Seen.By.Ice.Queen: coming to my senses

As many issues trouble and take my attention in the recent weeks, I had my emotions fluctuating all over the place. I look everywhere for answers and though I am still 'in the process', this particular posting that surfaced from my friend's FB updates came up and caught my attention.

I feel particularly affected by the article also because it parallels a certain part of my life.

1. I lost my father to an accident when I was 2 months old. So I've never known him and what I know of him, was always through what other people told me about him and the things he left behind.

2. I lost my mum to cancer also in November 2009. I was not close to my mum growing up but towards her final years, and esp after her cancer diagnosis, we grew close on an emotional level. I even started to hug her (even though being typical Asians, we've not touched each other since she didn't have to hold my hand while crossing the roads).

After reading through this, i decided to post this so that more people can read about it and pick up the relevant message for themselves. In a way that it has touched me, I am also certain it will touch/inspire you (even if it is not at the same level or way)

~~~

Memories of Mandy Flanagan’s late husband Paul fill the house they used to share.

Pictures of him as a floppy-haired schoolboy, a handsome teenage rugby star, a newlywed, and a devoted dad, adorn the walls and window ledges of their country cottage.

But Paul, a teacher, who died of cancer at the age of 45 in November 2009, passionately believed his children, Thomas and Lucy — just five and one-and-half years old at the time — should have more than fading photographs to remember him by.

‘There was nothing more important to Paul than being the best father he could be,’ says Mandy, 44.

‘When he knew he was dying, there was no time for self-pity. He became absolutely focused on doing whatever he could to continue being a good dad to them throughout the years, even though he wouldn’t be here in person.’

He wrote them letters, filmed DVD messages, bought future birthday presents, and even filled a large chest with his favourite books.

‘Each book is accompanied by a note to Thomas and Lucy explaining why Paul loved it, and how much he hopes they will too when they’re old enough to read it,’ explains Mandy.

But perhaps Paul’s greatest gift to his wife and children was a document titled ‘On finding fulfilment’, which Mandy discovered on his laptop, by chance last month.

‘I opened it and, with tears rolling down my cheeks, I discovered his bullet-pointed code to living a good and happy life,’ says Mandy.

‘The list of 28 instructions for living a good life contained no empty platitudes; each one completely reflects the way that Paul lived his own life.

‘He was wise and brave and decent to the core, but I could never have found the words to sum him up so perfectly as he has himself.

'I can’t tell you what a comfort it is to know that our children will grow up with a real understanding of what made Paul, Paul.’

She adds: ‘It would have been our tenth wedding anniversary this year, and while we didn’t have a perfect marriage — lots of love and laughs, but lots of arguments too — I realised when I read his words that, when it came to the stuff that really matters in life, we were absolutely united.’

Addressing his children, who were too young to comprehend the tragedy that was unfolding, Paul writes: ‘In these last few weeks, following my terminal diagnosis, I have searched my soul and heart to find ways in which I can reach out to you as you grow up.

‘I’ve been thinking about the matters in life that are important, and the values and aspirations that make people happy and successful. In my view, and you may well have your own ideas by now, the formula is pretty simple.

‘The three most important virtues are: Loyalty, integrity and moral courage. If you aspire, friends will respect you, employers will retain you, and your father will be immensely proud of you.

‘I am therefore giving you several pieces of advice. These are the principles on which I have tried to build my life and they are exactly those that I would have encouraged you to embrace, had I been able to.

‘I love you very much. Never forget that.’

What follows is an extraordinary list of rules, which could enable us all to live better lives. It encompasses everything from the importance of table manners to the perils of gossiping and everything in between.

‘And it’s just so Paul!’ laughs Mandy today.

‘It makes me cry but it really makes me smile too.

‘He was an old-fashioned school-master and utterly meticulous when it came to manners. I’m obsessive over the kids’ “pleases and thank yous” because I know that Paul never let them get away with it.’

Mandy reads aloud from the list: ‘Be punctual … Show moral courage … Never, ever let a friend down … Well, that was Paul. He was maddeningly early for everything. He spoke up for what he felt was right, no matter how unpopular it might have made him. And I have never met anyone so loyal to their friends.

‘He also wrote that they should never give up, and he certainly never did. He fought so bravely, so courageously, right to the end.’

Paul was first diagnosed with skin cancer in 2004. A birthmark on his chest had become malignant, and was swiftly removed in November that year, when their son Thomas was just a few months old.

In January 2008, after years of regular check-ups, he was given the all-clear, when Mandy was expecting Lucy.

‘He was such a positive person, but he never allowed himself to believe that the cancer had been dealt with,’ says Mandy.

That May, a swelling appeared under Paul’s arm and specialists quickly confirmed his worst fears. The cancer had spread to the lymph glands in his arms, and was detected in his neck soon after. Surgery and radiotherapy did little to halt its progress. And, in March 2009, scans showed that the cancer had spread to his brain and his condition was terminal.

‘He never pitied himself,’ says Mandy. ‘The diagnosis, and perhaps the drugs he was on, triggered a sort of mania. He suddenly had so much energy. While I lay awake upstairs worrying, Paul would work through the nights, determined to get his affairs in order.’

He meticulously organised the family finances, arranged his own funeral, and even bought his own memorial bench for the grounds of Reigate Grammar School, where he had taught economics since 2003. He also set up a cricket team for all of his friends, who now play annual memorial matches to raise money for the Melanoma Foundation.

Over the weeks, piles of shoeboxes full of paperwork, hand-written letters and DVD messages for his family and friends took over the dining room.

And as his health deteriorated, Paul insisted that he and Mandy went shopping for Thomas and Lucy’s 18th and 21st birthday presents.

‘I wonder how we got through those days, but there’s a strange kind of adrenaline that just keeps you going,’ says Mandy.

‘You just want to do whatever feels right. We went to a jewellers in Spitalfields market in London to buy Lucy an eternity ring for her 21st.

‘When the woman at the counter asked: “Is it the right size?”, Paul and I just looked blankly at each other. “We don’t know,” I said.

‘She looked at Paul and saw how desperately ill he was. Then all three of us looked at Lucy sitting in her pushchair, completely oblivious to it all.’

Lucy was christened last summer. As a result, she has one godmother and nine godfathers — each a close friend of her father’s.

‘He wanted his friends to have a permanent tie to his family, I think,’ says Mandy. ‘And if Lucy couldn’t have her father, a fantastic team of godfathers was the very least she deserved.’

By the time Paul died — at home, eight months after his terminal diagnosis — Mandy felt certain that he would rest peacefully in the knowledge that he had left the best legacy that any father could.

‘When some people are told they have just a few months to live, they decide their life won’t be complete until they’ve bungee-jumped off Sydney Harbour Bridge or seen the Grand Canyon. But that wasn’t Paul. All that was important to him was right here.

‘He lived and died by his own rules, and I know he had found his own fulfilment.’

For information on melanoma visit melanoma.sgul.ac.uk

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2017876/A-fathers-message-grave-My-darling-children-heres-live-lives-Daddys-gone.html#ixzz1TIA5FHWa

I wrote about taking my son to watch The Tooth Fairy three years back and now, he is coming 'face-to-face' with THE Tooth Fairy.

For some weeks now, my six year old has been dealing with the emerging adult teeth and two wobbly milk teeth. At a recent visit to the wonderful dentist at White Dental Group, the nice pediatric dentist told my son that she will task him with the homework of wobbling and eventually extracting his own teeth.

So for the past week or so, he has been religiously doing his 'homework' after brushing his teeth every morning and night. Tonight while supervising his brushing, I noticed that one of his wobbly tooth was hanging by literally just a 'thread' and so ready to come off. So I encouraged him to try and yank it off. The brave little dude took the handkerchief from me for better grip on the tooth and did just that! Before I even realized, he was holding on to this tooth going, "see mom, it came out!"

I was so excited it was almost as if I was the one losing the first tooth. After I calmed down from my excitement, my six year old said he wanted to write a note to the tooth fairy so she knows exactly where to find his tooth and what to do with it.

So here goes the note...

Aww.. My brave little man. And I'd better go dig up that dollar coin that the 'tooth fairy' is supposed to give him before I forget :P

I am 100% Singaporean. Born and bred, raised and stamped. 'Nuf said. I understand Singlish perfectly well. But am still proud to say that I know when to use it and when to bite it back and not let it slip past my tongue.

So I have a boy, now 6. From the time he started speaking, he went to a playschool located in Orchard. It was close by for convenience of drop-off and I liked the fact that it had a good make up. There was a good mix of expatriates and locals. Hence, the young one was surrounded with friends who are Africans, Americans, Europeans, Koreans, Japanese, Taiwanese, Chinese, Spanish etc., as well as, Singaporean Chinese, Indians, Eurasians...

Although I cannot validate the correlation, I had also noticed that the command of English in the centre was also less localized. When I was playschool-hunting, I walked in to a centre in a more neighbourhood environment (mind you, it was also a very reputable nursery). It so happened that the centre was closed for some administrative updates and only the principal was around at that point of time. Nevertheless, she very kindly attended to me and orientated me to the facility.

During the short 20 minute orientation, I could not help but be disturbed by the fact that her English was peppered with lots of 'lahs' and 'lors'. Disregarding that, I bolted (well, at least mentally) when she started making grammatical errors in her sentence structure while having a conversation with me.

Don't be mistaken, I am no teacher and I certainly am not claiming high levels of English proficiency but God forbid an educator in early childhood be exposing our young offsprings to a lack of language foundation when they are picking it up.

Anyway, my son entered the school in Orchard. It was all good until they had to close down the centre because their lease ran out.

Out of sheer frustration at their lack of notice, I refused to be transferred to another branch, choosing instead to source for another school.

We settled on a kindergarten along Bukit Timah. This is again another reputable pre-school that typically has an endless waiting list. I was just so lucky to be able to get a spot at short notice.

It's been almost 3 months since my boy attended this school and of late, horrified little me has been noticing his improvement in Singlish.

Just moments ago, I overheard him saying to our helper, "But you are in my room mah." (Faint... actually, double faint!)

All those years of proper English exposure in school and at home has been dinged by a mere 3 months in school!!!

I have since resorted to the 'fine' Singaporean way of corrective method. He is to be fined $0.10 for every lah, lor, mah, meh or the likes that he uses in his conversations. I can't help it, I am also Singaporean mah... (ooops!)

OVERHEARD

Character 1: young kindergarten boy
Character 2: mom of the boy

Boy: I love shoes you know
Mom: Ya me too
Boy: But I like boy shoes
Mom: I like boy shoes too. But I am luckier than you. I can wear boy shoes and I can also wear girl shoes
Boy: Not fair :(

It's great being a woman :D

I wanna start off by thanking my friend, Val, who shared this TVC on FB. Bright and early, this message hits home like it hits the wind outta your stomach. Are we all not guilty at some level, if not to the intensity, of what is reflected here?

There's this on-going debate about nature vs nurture. This TVC drives home the message of the power of nurture.

As mentioned previously, I was looking forward to taking my 4-year-old to SRT's The Little Company play - The Boy Who Cried Wolf.


Some things I expected, some I didn't.

First, let's talk about what I DID expect. My scaredy-cat boy, who is taller and bigger than most kids his age, started to freak out the moment we went to pick up our tickets from the box office. It appears his little mind is already retaining more than I give him credit for. He apparently remembers The Tooth Fairy incident and is shuddering at another 'real-life' experience with the performers.

Anyhow, when I tugged and pulled him into the theatre at DBS Arts Centre, he started doing his Ninja thing where he ducked and ran semi-squat through the rows of seats so that he's camouflaged amongst the chairs, until we finally reached our allocated seats.

When we reached our seats, he proceeded to sit me down urgently in my seat before clambering onto my lap and grabbing my arms to encapsulate him within me. I could hardly breathe as he made sure my arms were tightly wrapped around him. He also quickly removed his beloved Ben 10 watch and made me keep it in my handbag's (which was taking the seat he refused to be on) secret zipped compartment so the "Big Bad Wolf would not take it, Mummy!"


We waited in trepidation for the play to begin and my trembling todd surveyed the set and evaluated if he ought to make a dash for the exit.

Enters the Big Bad Wolf played by Filomar C. Tariao who is no where as scarily styled as the witch from The Tooth Fairy. Truth be told, he looked a little comical with his fluffy long tail and stylish boots. But his sheer presence and our proximity to the stage was enough to hold my son ransom to the intangible fear.

Despite the gripping fear, he responded to the Wolf's requests to sing "Who's afraid of the big bad wolf" and to practice screaming at the sight of the wolf. This is with credits to Filomar who engaged the kids in the audience with his song and dance sequence. Filomar who is obviously a trained dancer did jazzy numbers and ballet steps that had both kids and adults entertained and entranced. It also helps that he has good comic timing and wit and was able to poke fun at the adults while ensuring that the kids understood his jokes.

One good example was when Wolf was looking to eat a sheep in the audience and when a kid pointed at his dad, volunteering him as an offering, Wolf proclaimed that the sheep was a little too old, causing the kids to break out in guffaws (OK, so did the adults but we were trying to be more discreet about laughing at the poor guy).

Back to the point of the play. Petey, played by Tim Garner, and his Father, played by Darius Tan sets the storyline of Petey being asked to watch the sheeps while his daddy (a wood-cutter) goes away to work on a project in the castle to earn more money for the family (and with hopes of climbing the "corporate ladder" to become the Royal Wood-Cutter).

As we all know, Petey proceeds to cry wolf (although they did improvise to make it Cry Giant the first time and Cry Dragon the second) which resulted in his dad not believing him the third time when he cried Wolf for real.

I was also expecting appropriate points to make reference of these lying examples to my todd about not telling lies. What I was NOT expecting was a hidden lesson in there for parents too.

Watching the play, I discovered that the moral of the story was not just about telling the kids that lying is a bad thing. It also hinted to parents that there are some underlying triggers that may make kids lie.

Petey lied to his dad to get his attention because dad was "always busy working" and "never kept his promise" to spend time with Petey.

So to parents of kids who cry wolf, before you tell them 'shoo' the next time because "Mummy is busy", remember how many times you have broken that promise (that counts as lying too, no?) and told your kid, "I promise I will take you to a picnic next week. Promise!"

Ratings:

I am a first time parent. And I believe as is the case with most first time parents, much of what I put into my parenting manual is either from advice given by well-intending people or by gut feel. Being the stubborn and opinionated person that I am, it is often the latter.

One of my major challenges recently has been getting my four-year old to NOT LIE. I started by trying to reason. And when that failed to work, I resorted to... lying.. I've thus far told him that if he lied, his teeth would all come off.. I don't think he cares much about his teeth though.. since this tactic doesn't seem to be working. o_O'"

Yes, yes.. I know I'm not setting a good example. But honestly, when you are a FT working mum like me, getting things done efficiently is of optimum importance. That, is not to say that what I am doing is right. But honestly, I am at my wits end.

This is why I am utterly grateful to SRT's timely (well, at least in my opinion and to me, that means EVERYTHING) release of a play about THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF. Most of us would know the moral of the story. So to this play, I am going for sure. I'll probably try to buy a storybook on PINOCCHIO as well in the meantime..



DATES: 30th July to 12th September 2009 – please see SISTIC for performance schedule
PRICES: Mon-Fri $18 – Weekends $20 excluding SISTIC fee (Group discounts/Family Packages available)
VENUE: DBS Arts Centre – Home of SRT
TICKETING: SISTIC at 6348 5555 or www.sistic.com.sg/www.srt.com.sg

My son came home from playschool one day and told me, "Mommie, the largest bone in your body is called a FEMUR and the smallest bone is STIRRUP. There are 206 bones in a human body".

This info took me by surprise and I was ashamed at my lack of knowledge to furnish him with more scientific facts about the human body. Today, a colleague kindly beefed up my general knowledge again with the following facts and illustrations. I shall go home and tell my son about them.. :)

Scientists say the higher your I.Q. The more you dream (OK before you get excited, it DIDN'T say that if you dream a lot, you HAVE high I.Q.)


The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm


You use 200 muscles to take one step


The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man (which means to say that either I am taller than the average woman.. OR alot of the men I know are shorter than average men..hmmm)


Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three


A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands


A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball


The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades (so ladies, if you ever get attacked by a man, just puke at him buahahaha...)


The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Britannica (erm.. ok... not mine..)


It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach (one, two, three.. yeah i'm eating)


The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds (i can almost swear that mine are longer. i even get continuing dreams that follows where it ends off after waking up to pee)


Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair (hairless = weaker liver? double depressing for these men)


At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell


There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet (now you know why mum always nags at you to wash your feet when you get home huh?)


Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil (energy conservation ideas anyone?)


The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body


Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born


When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, and they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate (hence the saying that you can only hate someone you love?)


Your thumb is the same length of your nose (and I know you are measuring it now o_O'")

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A friend showed me a video of this 5 year old Korean pianist who is blind from birth. The girl was abandoned by her birth parents but kindly adopted by this loving couple. They may not have been able to give her the best in life but by picking her little life up and loving her, they created a special child out of her.

Who wouldn't want a child that is perfect? But the fact of the matter is, nobody is. And it is simply societal methods of defining what is normal and more acceptable that we push these 'values' on to ourselves.

A blind child is deemed unworthy of being in the eyes of Ee Yun's birth parents but her adoptive parents saw the worth in her. And that gave her the hope to live on - and become even more special.


Ee Yun's (first?) appearance on Korean TV


Ee Yun with Britain's Got Talent little sweetheart Connie Talbot - together, they bring tears of love and warmth into my eyes.

I had lunch with a very inspiring character today. As I told him at the end of lunch, it was a lunch that not only filled my stomach but also my mind.

3 key takeaways for the day:

1. Living in the moment - cliche has it that we always say, "smell the roses", "enjoy the moment" etc but the reality is we are so constantly bombarded with everything coming our way in our everyday lives that we do tend to miss a lot of details. He taught me a simple way of actually doing that. By telling yourself - I am aware. Try it and you'll know what i mean.
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2. Time-lock strategy - often times, we are distracted and sometimes guilty. E.g. a working mom who is feels guilty about not being with the child because she has to work. Truth of the matter is, feeling that way doesn't accomplish anything. So by telling herself, "From 9am to 6pm today, I am going to clear my paper work, attend to my clients queries and complete my report. After I get home, I will spend time with my child and enjoy a story book together" This strategy gives her focus to complete her task at the given point of time.

3. Mould-ability - some people are hardened by the setbacks in life. I guess what people call cynicism. But think about it. By remaining soft and 'mould-able', it opens up opportunities to know that the world is really not that bad a place. People are not always out to get you. Remaining 'mould-able' or open minded means giving chances to others and yourself. 'Hard' people break easily.

Was at the MocCarnival held at the carpark in front of Kallang Leisure Park. Was most intrigued by the Professional Stunt demos and the K1 Go-Karting.

The demos that caught my eyes weren't the ones executed by the professional stunt drivers but was instead the 'Pocket-bike' riders. Believe it or not, the ages range between 4 to 9 years old.




Lucas Chow, CEO of MediaCorp & Oon Jin Teik, CEO of Singapore Sports Council were also there to grace the event. The proceeds collected from the K1 Go-Karting circuit went directly to the charity beneficiary - Rainbow Centre.



What was sad to note was that most people who went for the Go-Karting were reluctant to donate more than $5. This was overheard at the Go-Kart queue:
**********
A: How much for the Go-Karting?
Organizer: The minimum donation amount is $5 and all proceeds go directly to Rainbow Centre for charity.
A: Do you have change for $10?
Organizer: Sorry sir, because it's for charity, we do not give change. Perhaps you'd like to donate more to the charity?
A: Har?! (turned around to person behind queue). You got change? Want to combine or not?
**********

Seriously! If this person can afford the indulgence of Go-Karting, would it KILL him to just give $5 more for the sake of charity?!!

I was really pissed off when I saw this in the papers today. The recent spate of reports on child abuse made me wonder just why the fuck some people even bother to have kids.

granted that the two men in the photos who were guilty of abusing the pictured toddler and eventually killing her are assholes but the mother... why didn't the mother even do ANYTHING to stop it?

even a beast knows to protect their young from danger but this mother is incomparable to even a beast..